Well if your mom’s any indication beer makes you do a whole bunch of shit you wouldn’t normally do, hell its main reason why you were even born.

You grab a beer and drink it.

“Hey motherfucker, you ain’t part of the band yet! You can’t just be grabbing the damn beer like that! You better know how to wail on that fuckin’ mic!” Zack warns.

Oddly even after only one beer you feel somewhat less nervous. You have no problem now screaming obscenities and nonsensical words into the microphone at the top of your lungs. After a few more songs (and a few more beers) you even start making up some words yourself and some minor theatrics. Zack and the rest are pleased with your display.

“Yeah, you might work out. We’re playing at a party this weekend, do some crazier shit and I think we’ll rock the fuckin’ house!”
“Will there be (hic!) beer?”
“Duh, of course it’s a party.”
“Cool.”

You stumble home in a buzzed state. You’d probably get in trouble, but your own parents are currently fucking their brains out while on the sauce themselves so you manage to sneak in and avoid any lecture. For the rest of the week you become more and more acquainted with the joys of alcohol, A LOT. As it turns out, you’re one of those people that can drink and drink and not pass out right away. Guess you have Mom and Dad’s genes to thank for that. They finally came through for you.

When you arrive to sing at the party, you immediately let the rest of the band members set up the equipment while you just drink in the meantime. By the time it’s ready to go on you’re already three sheets to the wind, and puke all over the place, but gosh darn it, that’s just part of the act! ALL the rock stars do it! At last you’re finally cool!

Rock stars tend to do a lot of drugs too; while at the party someone offers you a ton of unknown pills which you greedily swallow. Could be dangerous considering you don’t know what they are, you took a bunch of them AND you’ve been drinking…

Later in your now drugged up and drunken state you meet some skank. In fact she’s the school skank that everyone’s fucked in one way or another (Well except YOU of course) she was impressed by how you managed to vomit in tune with the “music”, in fact she’s so impressed by you, she takes you upstairs and fucks you eight ways from Sunday. Mind you this could also be dangerous considering you didn’t use any protection and this girl probably has a snatch as sanitary as an inbred hillbilly’s outhouse in the summer during a heat wave whose owner has chronic explosive diarrhea.

After your encounter with “Miss Friendly” you decide in your drunken state that you should probably go home, because it would be the responsible thing to do. (Nevermind the fact that you were supposed to do another set which you’ve completely forgotten about) So you get in your parent’s car that you “borrowed” and begin to drive home…

Okay you DO realize how dangerous that is right?

No of course not, you’re an indestructible “rock star”.

Anyway, you end up driving in the wrong direction and eventually drive into buttfuck farm country getting yourself totally lost. Speaking of buttfucking, you barely stop in time to notice a cow is in your way, at which point you get out of the car and…uh…for some odd reason, fucking that skank wasn’t enough for you…

The next day a farmer finds you passed out next to his poor defiled cow with your pants around your ankles and your dick covered in cow shit and jizz. After beating the hell out of you he takes you to the authorities.

To cut a long story shorter. You never live down the shame of fucking a cow in the ass and become the laughing stock of the town. You also get put in a mental institution where you become even more depressed when a perverse orderly molests you every night. Eventually you put yourself out of your misery by drinking bleach kept in the janitor’s closet.

The moral of the story?

Yeah, the rock life style is filled with alcoholism, drug abuse and irresponsible sex practices, but nobody tells you that it can lead to fucking a cow in the ass and cleaning product suicides.

Not so “cool” now is it, cow fucker?

And now you know!