Ah yes, the internet. Is there nothing it can’t solve?

You decide the best way to make friends and get attention is to make a MySpace profile. You put all your vital information on there and the best picture you can find of yourself on there.

Congratulations you’ve just done “stupid things you can to do on the internet” number one. Way to be a cliché.

Your next step is to start chatting with all the people that have suddenly made friends with you and begin giving more personal information about yourself while they all say how they have the same problems you do. At last you’ve found people you can relate to, and some of them are cute teenage boys! You can’t believe they’re all interested in you. In fact a lot of them want to know where you live so they can meet you in person. You comply; in fact you agree to met one guy calling himself Kittylover. He says he uses that name because he likes young…cats and obviously any guy into cats is a sensitive soul. Fortunately he lives only a few miles away from your town!

And that would be “stupid things you can do on the internet” number two. At this point is it really even necessary to continue? You know this isn’t going to end well.

But anyway you invite Kittylover over while your parents are away at one of their swinger’s parties. When he comes over naturally he doesn’t look anything like his picture, but then again you didn’t use the worst picture of yourself either, so you give him the benefit of the doubt and let him in...

Anyway, you and Jacob (as you find out his real name is) talk briefly before he tells you he just got his driver’s license and his parents didn’t want him driving here by himself, so they’re outside waiting in the car and he was hoping they could meet your parents as well, but you say they aren’t here.

“Oh? Well can they just meet you then?”

You agree and then Jacob invites his parents in…

So anyway, you get to know Jacob’s parent’s a little better and they find that you are a fine young lady that’s good enough to go with their son. They go on about how worried they were at first that you might be some sicko, or something.

As all four of you talk, this has turned out better than you could’ve imagined, you’ve gained a new boyfriend who seems to like you a lot AND his parents like you. Sure you live a bit far from each other, but you can work that out.

Suddenly your parents come home, you didn’t think they’d be back so soon, but this will be great, they can meet Jacob’s parents and…

“THAT’S THE MAN WHO MOLESTED ME BACK IN BIBLE CAMP!” Jacob’s father screams in horror.
“Huh? What? Who are you?” your Dad stutters.

While Jacob’s father screams and cries about the sexual abuse your Dad did to him when they apparently were at Bible Camp together in the past, your Dad protests his innocence. Well actually he doesn’t, he says…

“Hey, I was just trying some stuff out. I found out I liked girls better. And we were like ten years old! Shit, it was years ago and I haven’t thought about it since, get over it already.”
“YOU SONOFABITCH!” Jacob’s father yells and tackles your Dad.

While your dad’s wrestle on the ground, your Mom runs upstairs. Jacob’s mom just stands there screaming. You attempt to calm everyone down, but fail.

“You and your family ARE a bunch of sickos!” Jacob cries and pulls away from you when you try to reason with him.

Soon your mom comes down with the gun and starts yelling and unfortunately you get in the way of your Mom attempting to defend her man and catch a bullet in the head.

The moral of the story?

Pretty simple one actually… DON’T FUCKING MEET PEOPLE YOU MET OVER THE GODDAMN INTERNET!

Nothing ever good comes of it. Told you it wasn’t going to end well.

And now you know!