Just an Olde Fashioned Love Song by Usoki R

"Hey, Gunther, grab me a beer."

"Hmmm?"

"A beer, dammit! Oh, fuck it, I'll get one myself. What's gotten into you anyway? You've been like that for, aww dammit, are you moping?"

Alex walked into the living room to find Gunther sprawled out on the sofa, gazing into space. He could've passed for unattentive, except that he was staring straight at the turned-off television.

"Geez man, again? If I didn't know you were a designated everything, I'd be concerned that you'd booze your miserable life until it ended."

"Alex," he said, sighing, "It's not-"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. My emotions are not a joke," he said, jumping over the leather sofa and landing a safe distance away from Gunther. "Is it Melissa again?"

"Yes," he said, wistfully. "I dunno, man, but I just...she's just...but she...and yet..."

It was Alex's turn for exasperation. "You love her with all your being, but she won't give you the time of day because she's a total whore?"

"Sorta. She's not a whore."

"She's a total whore! That's your problem, Gunther- you're too nice. You deserve a lot better than her, you really do."

"Yeah, I probably do. That's what my head says. But my heart won't listen."

"Your heart, Gunth? You're sure it's your heart and not your balls?"

"Shut up!" said Gunther, smiling as he tried to punch Alex in the arm. "Hey man, hey- I have needs."

"Look, man, I hate to see you mope about like this. What if I told you I could help?"